Cherishing and Trusting

Sometimes the thought runs through my head "I want to take Taylor and run from this all...  I want to stop all her hurts" How am I a good mom and letting my baby hurt all the time?  But then nix the idea when I realize, cancer spreads, cancer kills.  She has to go through all this pain to help her get better.

I look around our house and see our family photos.  It never fails to bring gulpy tears to my eyes.  I have to frantically blink and look elsewhere to head off the waterworks.  The pictures are of our blissfully unaware times.  Our bright happy smiles, our perfect "cancer free" life, its to much for me to look at right now.  I see myself holding Taylor on my lap in a picture, my hand is resting against her belly.  I wonder, was the tumor there when that picture was taken?  Sometimes I wish we could be unaware still, but then have to remind myself that Im so thankful that we arent.  Her cancer would have only gotten worse... not gone away.

Right now, I feel the need to capture everything on camera.  I dont want to regret, should Taylor not make it, not taking pictures.  This week has been like a vacation from our new reality.  Taylors energy is back.  Shes been playing with her siblings and not sitting on my lap 24/7.  Last week and the week before she could hardly crawl across the room.  Im enjoying the now.  Im trying to ignore, that come Monday we start all over again.  Poor girl.  Shes the blissfully unaware one right now.  Along with the camera capturing, Im taking all the mental pictures that I can.  The way her little nose scrunches up and she stares into someones eyes while she smiles at them.  How skinny her little feet are.  The way she likes me to hold onto her tummy when Im sitting at the computer and trying to type.  How she cheers for herself as we all cheer when she takes a bite of food.  Little things, the things that make up Taylor.  I also am cherishing and loving the fact that we have our five beautiful children.  Thats what we have always wanted.  We are a family of seven now!  Our family, equals LOVE to me.  Free family time means so much.  I know the weeks ahead are going to get more and more crazy and stressful.  So normal days, those are the days to cherish.

My mind goes to the upcoming weeks.  Chemo rounds 3 and 5 are supposed to be hard.  She will probably lose some hearing (but wouldnt she be adorable with hearing aides?).  One little boy lost 4 lbs when he went through round three.  Taylor absolutely doesnt have 4 lbs to lose.  Then I think about the surgery to take the tumor out.  How will I hand her over to a surgeon again?  What will I do if they cant get it all out?  That will mean more treatments.  How could she survive MORE.  The stem cell transplant is horrid by all accounts that Ive heard.  Weeks of high fevers, and I believe she'll be under a tent in a sterile environment.  I wont even be able to hold my baby while shes making the fight of her life.  How will I do it?  And not just do it for a day, but for several WEEKS.  Even now, while typing, tears are running down my cheeks.

I find myself praying frantic prayers "Please God, let the surgeon get the tumor out"  "Please God, heal our baby girl" "Please God, let her make it through the stem cell transplant"...  Because, with God all things are possible.  I rub my "Trusting God 4 Taylor" bracelet with my thumb and quote "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart..."  Isnt that why we used Trust as our baby boys middle name?  To remind us to, Trust.  I have such a hard time... Trusting.  Its a minute by minute choice.  A dear friend gave me another bracelet and on the side of it it says "Expect miracles everyday" Thats what we are doing.  Expecting miracles.

So, in 3 days we will start the chemo treatments again.  I will probably cry.  BUT my tears are not the tears of one without hope, because I rest my hope in an all-knowing God.  He knows the path we will walk down over the next few moths.  NOTHING is a surprise to Him.  Im so glad about that.

We are trusting God for Taylor.