Three More Days

Three more days...
Three more days until we hand her over to the surgeon.
I try to take every opportunity I have to hug her.
I love to kiss her bald head.
I memorize the way her eyes crinkle in the corners when she smiles.
I want to remember, always, how she feels in my arms.

A million times a day I give her back to God.

I try to accept that He may, in a mere three short days, ask us to give her back permanently. 

Again I try to inset it into my brain, to memorize...
I want to always remember her laughter.
How she LOVES to go outside.
How shes way over the top affectionate.
How she kisses her baby brother over and over.
How she puckers her lips as big as she can to give me smooches too.
How she makes her baby doll fake cry.
The way her eyes dance when she "burps", then covers her mouth and says "suse you".
The way she shakes her little arms and moves them to music.

I hope and pray that the trying to remember every little thing is unnecessary... But there is this little corner of my mind that says, do you trust me?  Do I trust God?  No matter what?  The thing that I have had the hardest time trusting him with IS my kids.  Now I have no choice.  I must. 

I love the way she frantically waves at her shirt and makes loud excited noises when she knows shes going to take a bath.
And then when she gets into the bath... WATCH OUT!  She laughs and splashes as hard as she can.
I love the way she acts like shes out of breath when shes trying to crawl fast.
I love how she wants her fingernails painted.
Its sad, but cute, when her sisters are getting their hair done and she too wants a barrette in her hair.  Which she no longer has...
I love the randomness of her cravings.  One day she cant get enough mac and cheese and then the next she wants to eat a whole jar of peanut butter.
I love that shes so friendly.
She wants to sit on my lap, then she gets off and pulls her blanket behind her to go sit on grandpas, and then procedes makes her way around the room.

I love that she doesnt give up.  She gets wiped out, and wiped out, and wiped out again... But she maintains a smile most of the time.  Even if she loses it for a couple of days, it returns.

I love the unique color of her eyes.
Her beautiful white, straight teeth.
Her deep voice.
How she says "Nooooooo!" in a high pitched voice for yes or no.
I love how she gets so excited when we leave the house.
How she says "Shoooooe, shooooooe!" and points at her feet.
How she shakes her head really hard up and down when you ask her a question.

I remember laying in bed crying to my hubby, "Im scared.  Shes just extra special, you know?"  He says while stroking my hair "Im scared to.  But we just have to trust.  Shes really strong Ju.... We need to make sure we enjoy the time we have with her."

This all just kills me.  Im not sure why we were chosen, but like I said when it all first started, we plan to come through this refined.  We plan to learn whatever we are being taught.  We will have a stronger faith.

For now, Im going to keep snuggling and keep memorizing...