My sweet boy.
I love your smile.
Your birth was beyond dramatic.
My heart fought so hard to not be bitter, that on top of everything going on with your sister...
My birth experience with you was awful.
Then you ended up in the NICU, for three weeks.
Even then, with tubes up your nose, and being so fresh from the womb, you SMILED.
I know some would argue that it was "gas", but by baby number 5, I know what is a smile, and what is gas.
I so wanted to savor those fleeting newborn months with you.
I couldn't.
Your sister really needed me.
I battled the "why did he have to be born right now?" thoughts, constantly.
I pushed away the seed of feeling sorry for myself, that I couldn't hold you, and snuggle you, and let you fall asleep on my chest all. the. time. like I did with your siblings.
You were loved and snuggled by grandma and grandpa... and me and daddy, when we could.
Your sister was very sick, and needed my arms at that time.
You didn't mind.
I told myself, hourly it seemed, that God had you be born at this time for a reason.
Your timing of conception was quite the unexpected surprise to us.
That being, I knew that God had a reason for it.
I wish I could get those lost snuggles back.
I cant.
We have now my sweet boy.
We have the future.
We have WEEKS, no make that MONTHS of lost time to make up for.
I plan to make the most of it.
Your sunny disposition warms my heart.
Even when you are grumpy, you smile through your tears.
You wander aimlessly around the house, and even if no one is looking at you, you have your perpetual grin on your face.
You were named J. Trust, to be a visual reminder to us to Trust God this past year.
You did a mighty fine job, my son.
Thank you for helping us keep our focus where it should be.
I love you, my smiley boy.
Love, Mommy
PS
Given your "sunny" disposition, I am changing your blog name from "Trust" to "Sonny".
You're amazing, Julie. May God hold your hand every single day of your life. Thanks sooo much for sharing this!
ReplyDeleteI love this post, Julie! Brought tears to my eyes. You have a wonderful way with your words, I love reading your posts! Much love to you and your family, my friend!
ReplyDeleteYour family has such a way about them that he will understand. I have seen the way you interact with your children; they know. They understand that there will come a time in each of their lives where you will solely focus on them - first car, first date, broken arm, scraped knee. Whatever the need is, they will know. Until then, your family knows they need to be there for each other and someday when "J" is old enough to hear the stories FROM TAYLOR he won't think less of you, he will be dressing up like mommy and daddy on Super Hero Day at school and telling of your strong, faith-led ways to all of his friends.
ReplyDeleteStay strong, and stay beautiful - all of you!