Our New Normal

I remember not to far in the past sitting outside with my family while the kids played in the driveway, thinking "Our life is almost perfect... Something has to go wrong".  I would feel almost shallow in my blog writing because everything I had to say was always positive and happy.  Its not that I didnt have bad days, because I did, the kids would irritate me, I would feel overwhelmed, but over all it was the picture perfect life.  The loving doting husband, beautiful healthy children, a nice home in suburbia, a dog, we even have a fenced in yard.

Then out of the blue, the bad happened.

I have to watch my precious baby girl cry from fear as a needle is poked into her port all the while holding her arms down and saying in her ear "I love you, your a brave girl, I love you".  I ache as I watch  the chemo drip into her IV.  Knowing that while its saving her life, its also poison.  Tears spring into my eyes has she gets a shot of radiation for a test that I know ironically causes cancer, but is necessary to her healing process.  I try to be strong and not fall apart.  I frantically cling to the edges of our unraveling pre-cancer life.  This is the new normal, holding our worn out little girl as she goes in day after long day for her infusions.  Holding a pot for her as she pukes.  Playing with her hair and knowing that soon it will fall out.  Making out an ever growing list of Happys medications so that we can keep them straight.  Watching our once very active girl struggle to crawl across the room.  Sitting beside the kids as a "Child Life" worker shows them a chemo doll and explains about the medicine their sister is receiving.  It kills me inside.  But I do know this...

When my life seems to be a storm, I cant feel sorry for myself.  I have a God who is in control.  He knows the beginning from the end.  He CHOOSE this for us.  Sometimes I wonder, why he made me with such a sensitive heart, to watch my baby girl suffer... But we need to honor him and accept this as his will.  Even though it seems like the world is crumbling around me, I still have the good life.  I still have my doting loving husband.  He holds me while I cry, he soothes away my tears while whispering in my ear that he loves me.  He keeps me grounded.  I sniffle into his chest and say in a tear choked voice "I just feel so BAD for her", he strokes my hair and says that we need to love Happy and be there for her.  We need to enjoy her every day like its her last, no regrets Ju.  Slowly the sobs subside as I agree.  We hold onto each other, giving each other strength (him giving much more to me than me to him).  Hes my rock.  I still have my beautiful children.  Our sensitive boy will put his bony arm across my shoulder and give me a hug and tell me he loves me.  Just because.  Our vibrant Blondie, helps us focus on more than our sick baby girl.  She keeps us laughing.  Then there is our Sweets, shes just pure sweetness.  She'll hug me about 50 times in a row and say "I wike you Mommy, I wike you" and kiss me.  Just to do it again and again.  How can you not smile?  We still have our beautiful bright eyed Happy to enjoy another day.  Shes so strong.  She still manages to smile and wave at the nurses when they come in.  I cant let myself go to the days ahead.  We will enjoy now with her.  God has also blessed us with a new little bundle to enjoy.  Our Trust.  He was given to us during the worst time in our lives.  Hes a reminder to us to put our trust in God.  God can give us a beautiful gift, even during the trial.  We still have our dog, our house, our fenced in yard.  We just have cancer now.  But you know what, this wont steal our joy.  We will not question.  We have found friends and support everywhere we turn.  We are being smothered in love.  God has not forsaken, he will carry us through.  After going through the refining fire, we plan to come out on the other side refined.