School Year NEARING THE END!!! CAN WE SAY HALLLLLLELUJAH?!

GUYS!!  Blondie is DONE with school for the year!!  George is DAYS away from being done!  I AM SO HAPPY THAT I FEEL LIKE THROWING A PARTY!  SO HAPPY IN FACT THAT I MAY WRITE THIS WHOLE POST IN CAPS!  Or not, but I am THRILLED!  I haven't been able to work with Sweets as much as I needed to.  The kids went to an academy this year on Tues and Thurs.  It threw a huge wrench in getting school work done.  I plan to work a lot with Sweets this summer since she took the backseat to the older kids (shes only in kindergarten).  She loves school, and drawing, and coloring, so I am not worried.  It will be much more fun than the older kids stuff!  This year has been intense!  I am super happy that the kids had the opportunity to go to the academy, but it made our already busy and somewhat overwhelming life, even more busy.  So just wanted to post that I am beyond thrilled, if you hear a loud screaming crazy person, yelling "IM SO HAPPY, HOOO-RAY!!!" that would be me.

Sweets Needs Glasses!!

Since we are expecting big life changes in the near future, and may be moving away, maybe not... We don't know... Our house sold though so... we are moving.... we just don't know where... Anyhoo, Randy may or may not be changing jobs.  Since that might be happening, I thought I should get all the kids' eyes checked, not Sunny, but the others.  George needed bigger glasses and his eyes got a little worse.  Then Blondie got checked, she wanted glasses so very badly.  But "poor girl" has perfect vision.  Ive been trying to convince her that its GOOD that she doesn't need glasses, shes just like mommy.  Its been to no avail.  I finally found some sunglasses and popped the lenses out for her.  Shes been wearing the frames ever since.  Then Happy and Sweets got theirs checked.  Happy is fine (though the doc said she will probably need some eventually).  Sweets needs glasses.  I don't know why this is so heartmeltingly adorable to me, but it is!  Shes just so stinking girly, and loves all things pink, shes so sweet, and quiet, and funny.  She likes to lay all her clothes out for the next day, complete with accessories.  All this, with the pink glasses, makes her the whole ADORABLE package :)  Shes super clumsy, and now I wonder if that has anything to do with her eyes??  A non clumsy Sweets is to strange to think about.  Im giggling while typing that, Im picture her running out of a bedroom when it was time for supper tonight, she wiped out as she was trying to run around the corner.  A normal Sweets thing, she doesn't even bat an eye, she just jumps up and takes off again. 

Good-bye Facebook

This morning, I woke up feeling BLAH.  What did I want to do first?  Check facebook.  I don't know about you, but facebook makes me feel good.  Im having a bad day?  No worries, I will just make some sort of status about it, and right away people will leave encouraging remarks.  Instead of facing the bad day, and taking it head on, I would hide in facebook-land.  I would get that pick me up comment, it would help for a little bit, but then the youngest would start a whining stint, and I again need help from facebook friends.  Before I know it, my whole day is spent on and off facebook.  What makes me sad is all those times that my sweet littles would want help with something, and I put them off while I finish reading someons status.  Whats heartbreaking is they know the drill and will stand there waiting, or just give up and run off to play.  Is that the kind of mom I want to be?  NO!  Is that how I want the kids to remember me, always having my phone in my face?  NO!  I am an all or nothing girl, and Ive tried setting boundaries... it never works.  Hence, this morning I wanted to have a facebook pick me up time, and was like "No, Im not doing this.  Good-bye facebook, for the entire summer"  I am going to enjoy my family, without my attention being divided.  Hey, I might not even want to start back up in September.  I seriously feel freed. 

Trying to Be a Blogger Again

I WILL BLOG AGAIN!!!  It doesnt even cross my mind most days!  I dont want to forget all these lightning fast days and I will unless I write about it!

The kids are growing so fast!  George has passed my sister up in height.  So crazy.  Hes turning into such a neat young man.  He has a gentle spirit.  Blondie is loving to cook these days.  She'll come running as fast as she can if I yell to her that Im starting lunch.  Sweets is so funny and clumsy.  I cant believe the stuff, or lack of stuff that she will fall over!  Ohmyword.  Happy is doing awesome.  The only way you would know that she kicked cancer to the curb is to see the scars.  She is full of spunk and amazing cuddles.  She is THE BEST cuddler!  She'll just hug you around the neck and then settle in and hold you for a long time.  Sunny is Mr Crazy.  He alone gave me the one gray hair I have on my head.  That kid.  Wow, is all I have to say :)  We had the parenting thing down unitl he came along. He wanted to prove us wrong.  He has the best grin, that never leaves his little stinker face.

We are really wanting to go into ministry now.  We are clearing out clutter to start the selling process on our house, so that we can up and move whenever R gets a church.  I know for sure I will cry the day that we close the door on our house for the last time.  There is only one thing I dislike about this house and that is the dinning room is to small for our family.  Otherwise this house is perfect.  The backyard is like a wonderland for the kids.  Its an open floor plan for having lots of people over.  I love it.  We have also packed a crazy amount of memories into the 5 years we have lived here.  But we are selling for a super good reason, soooo...  Im getting really excited to move on.  Next year this time, our lives could be very different!

Christmas Blessings

When I look at her little face,
I no longer see cancer.
When I see her running through the house,
I only see a short, nearly three year old.
When I hear her loud (LOUD) voice,
Its unbelievable that last year she was so very sick.
When I see her chowing down at meal time,
Its weird to think back to the days of appetite stimulants, and the fight to get her to eat anything.
When I see her feisty spirit rear its head,
Its like a far away dream to think back to hospital days, when that spirit was what kept her going.

When I hold this small framed child in my arms,
I like to dream of her future.
When I rub my face on her hair,
I breath a prayer that it never again has to fall out.
When she runs to the door screaming in delight when I get home,
I beg God to never let that light leave her eyes again.
When I help her get dressed, I love to rub my finger along her scar, and thank God for the miracle that occurred that amazing day,
And I pray that she will never have to go under the knife again.

When I see our brave girl,
I see the one we hoped for, and prayed for, and fought for.
I see a miracle,
I see our blessing,
I will never cease to be thankful.

This Christmas season, we are enjoying our gift of "normalcy".
We are treasuring that all five of our children are enjoying the festivities.
Our Christmas miracle made her appearance on Christmas Eves, eve nearly three years ago,
She once again is our Christmas miracle- happy, healthy, and thriving.

We will always rejoice, and we will never forget what God brought us through.
Cancer was very much a part of our lives,
Cancer will be a normal word spoken in our home, and part of us... For the rest of our lives.
But this year, cancer isn't causing our heart to skip a beat.
This year, God gave us the gift of more time with our 'Tay-girl', we are so grateful.

The Most Beautifu Women I Have Ever Seen

This year I have met some of the most beautiful women in the world.  Their beauty isn't because their hair or make-up are perfect, or because they are dressed nice.  Its a beauty and strength that emanates from them.  The first that I remember seeing is the week that Taylor was diagnosed.  This woman was in the refreshment room on the pediatric oncology floor of the hospital.  Boosted on her hip was a little girl with blond patchy hair.  She was very swollen from steroids.  Her mom had a worried look in her eyes, she looked tired.  As I watched her I only noticed, that though she seemed exhausted, the love for her child radiated from her.  I saw her several times that week, walking her daughter in the hallway.  I was struck by the strength of the mom.  I was falling apart, and here was this mom whose daughter was obviously going through cancer treatments, and the mom was able to not cry.  She was strong.
Waiting in the clinic, about 4 moms were sitting in the waiting room, all with bald children.  Some of the kids had IV poles beside them.  I look around and each and every mom was staring ahead.  I start to ask them questions.  They have varied answers.  One mom says "Hes terminal... weeks to live... hospice has been coming... His sister is having a hard time with it."  His mom says this all without crying.  I can see though, under the layer of forced strength there is a fear.  She says the words, and knows its going to happen, how will they live without their son?  This mom was wearing a hoodie and her hair was pulled back in a ponytail with hairs coming lose.  She looked very worn out... She was beautiful.  The love for her son could be seen in everything she said.  The forced strength could be seen as she wouldn't allow herself to break down.  She was living each mom in the waiting rooms nightmare.  The moms started talking about their kids, "he has leukemia", "he has relapsed neuroblastoma", "she has an inoperable tumor, she beat it once, its back..."  Tears are beneath the surface, but not allowed.  Their children were sitting there.  They need to be strong for their kids.
Ive seen these beautiful women in the elevators.  One was pushing a teenager that was so sick she couldn't sit up.  The mom stood with beauty and grace.  She was wearing sweatpants, her hair was not done.  Her brow was crinkled in worry.  There was beauty and strength glowing from her eyes.  Another mom was pushing a swollen, bald, junior high aged girl.  I said "My daughter has cancer too" as the elevator was making its assent to floor number four.  The mom asked what kind.  "Neuroblastoma" I say, she says, "Hers is terminal.  There aren't any more options.  But we aren't giving up."  She truly meant it.  They weren't going down without a fight.  Another mom was pushing a young girl to the elevator at the same time as me.  We got in and I held the door for her as she wrestled the wheelchair and IV pole in, she saw me with Taylor and said "Ive been following her on facebook." I ask what her daughter has, "She has bone cancer, it relapsed" As she was saying that I see tears spring into her eyes.  She looks down at her young girl, and I see it again.  Beauty and grace, and a forced strength.  The weary look in the eyes.  The love for her child.
These images have been seared into my memory.  The love of a mom.  The beauty.  Being pushed to the limit.  The helpless feeling.  Watching her child suffer.  Forced strength.
One mom is determined to paint her city gold for her son.  I see ribbons flapping in the wind as I drive through town.  It makes me smile.  She spends hours online, looking for something that will help her sons diagnosis.  I see another mom while Im out.  Her childs life was cut short by cancer.  "Im lost... I cant find who I was before cancer... Im trying not to be angry..." Shes broken.  I see her wrist, and shes wearing several of her sons bracelets.  Shes gorgeous as she talks about her boy.  Another mom attends a head shaving event.  Forty-eight heads shaven and lots of money is raised.  Looking for a cure.  Another attends a 5k.  Her daughter relapsed three times.  They are out of options and her daughter is in clinical trials.  The mom looks like shes about to break.  As she talks there are tears in her eyes.  She doesn't break though.  She doesn't cry.  She becomes strong, because she loves her daughter.  She has to be strong. 
These women are beautiful.  They all fight together.  As long as there is breath, there is hope.  They are tired, they are broken, they are weary.  Their life is full of unanswered questions, they live in fear that their child will lose this battle.
They are strong, because they have to be.
Giving up is not an option.
They are fighting this ugly beast called cancer, with their children.
The love a mom has for her child is one of the most beautiful things in the world. 

To My Sunshine Boy

My sweet boy.
I love your smile.
Your birth was beyond dramatic.
My heart fought so hard to not be bitter, that on top of everything going on with your sister...
My birth experience with you was awful.
Then you ended up in the NICU, for three weeks.
Even then, with tubes up your nose, and being so fresh from the womb, you SMILED.
I know some would argue that it was "gas", but by baby number 5, I know what is a smile, and what is gas.
I so wanted to savor those fleeting newborn months with you.
I couldn't.
Your sister really needed me.
I battled the "why did he have to be born right now?" thoughts, constantly.
I pushed away the seed of feeling sorry for myself, that I couldn't hold you, and snuggle you, and let you fall asleep on my chest all. the. time. like I did with your siblings.  
You were loved and snuggled by grandma and grandpa... and me and daddy, when we could.
Your sister was very sick, and needed my arms at that time.
You didn't mind.
I told myself, hourly it seemed, that God had you be born at this time for a reason.
Your timing of conception was quite the unexpected surprise to us.
That being, I knew that God had a reason for it.
I wish I could get those lost snuggles back.
I cant.
We have now my sweet boy.
We have the future.
We have WEEKS, no make that MONTHS of lost time to make up for.
I plan to make the most of it.
Your sunny disposition warms my heart. 
Even when you are grumpy, you smile through your tears.
You wander aimlessly around the house, and even if no one is looking at you, you have your perpetual grin on your face.
You were named J. Trust, to be a visual reminder to us to Trust God this past year. 
You did a mighty fine job, my son.
Thank you for helping us keep our focus where it should be.
I love you, my smiley boy.
Love, Mommy

PS
Given your "sunny" disposition, I am changing your blog name from "Trust" to "Sonny".